The year's "People to watch in etcetc" lists have come out and somewhat surprisingly the Guardian have fucked it up the most. They've got Alexis Petridis for god's sake! Betty Clarke! Caroline Sullivan! And yet their list is a combination of the totally bobbins and that horrible moment you get on seeing your ferry sailing off without you - it's that backward.
The Twang - MOR The Feeling mixed with Kaiser Chiefs. But without the goodness of Fill My Little World and thus a totally superfluous blandity. We already have a Kaiser Chiefs, let’s not have any more.
New Young Pony Club - made an impact at Wireless at June, have already soundtracked a computer advert, ergo they're not new.
TTC - Parisian hip-hop. have you ever heard French hip-hop? It's like running a Skoda into your ears over and over again. Although, as the Journalist puts it: "I kind of give a fuck about French hip-hop. But my loathing of the country's people stops me from buying any."
Findlay Brown - "In short: the interesting James Blunt." Hang on, wasn't that supposed to be James Morrison? Either way, it in no way defeats the point that he’s a) being compared to that aural abortion Blunt and b) is on a MasterCard advert and is, again, not new.
The Kidz In The Hall – College educated rap. So, Kanye West, but two of them. As Angus Bateman goes on to say, “Like fellow Chicagoans Kanye West and Lupe Fiasco, naledge leavens his street talk with words of consciousness and wisdom.” Counting your pots of money and going all ghetto on our collective asses then, quality.
Art Brut – Did the Guardian music desk sleep through 2005? If not that, then the fact Eddie Argos et al are playing EXACTLY the same shows as they were back then when they were music’s NBT might shock their brains into gear.
Last Gang – Guardian’s explanation for their major label signing is based entirely around their ditching two words from their name. Surely an explanation for my success then – god, imagine if I was still lugging my middle names around I’d never have got anywhere.
The View – Again, broke in 2005. Will succeed because they’re The Libertines, but without the smack habits. Hotly tipped to become the next Kooks which should make them all go and jump off cliffs immediately.
Pull Tiger Tail – NME’s pet pin-ups of late 2006 which might explain NME scribe Leonie Cooper’s bigging them up in the Graun.
And I'm sorry, THE FUCKING SHINS? Garden State came out in 200-fucking4 for Christ's sake! The Shins are as old as my nail polish collection! And that’s fucking old! Ready to step up to the big stage indeed, they were signed to Warner in 2001.
The BBC concluded its own straw poll today having interviewed 130 significant music industry people (including Q editor Paul Rees whose favourite album of the last year was Razorlight. I am contractually obliged by Emap loyalty to make no comment on that fact.) The difference between their list and the one written by the usually on-the-button Guardian, is that their list contains people who haven’t had any major success.
“Artists were not eligible if they had already had a top 20 single or album in the UK, or if they were already famous for any reason.” So, not having 400,000 worth of album sales or a car ad then?
Paul Rees gets straight back in my favour for voting for ultimate me favourite, Mika, who tops the list and who even the Journalist likes, and he doesn't like anything apart from jungle, The Smiths and Akira The Don. Seriously, I know I’ve been going on about him for what seems like an interminable Bat For Lashes-esque period of time, but that’s because he’s bloody fantastic. He will OWN the pop world this year.
This is the Beeb’s list:
1. Mika – see above. Last year’s winner was beige personified Corinne Bailey Rae so they’ve actually voted for someone worth it this year which is very good of them.
2. The Twang – I’ll shut up about them now. NME favoured, blah blah.
3. Klaxons – big in 2006 but we’ll allow them this one as they’re only big in underground circles to 13 year old taking too much MDMA.
4. Sadie Ama – never heard of. Have horrible feeling will turn to be Corinne Bailey Rae and I’ll enter a coma.
5. Enter Shikari – spot on. if Mika reigns the pop world, this lot are going to make severe inroads into rock.
6. Air Traffic – indie favourites around London venues who sound like Semisonic fronted by Alex Turner. “…”
7. Cold War Kids – American boys doing languorous rock/blues that has really, really good guitar lines in it which I’ve been missing quite a lot. Why can’t guitar sound characterful? What’s with this incredibly tedious trend for it just all blending in? Check out Hang Me Out To Dry on their MySpace.
8. Just Jack – Not remotely my cup of tea (house with funk tinges = aural asphyxia) but a very nice bloke and he’s also a trained furniture designer. He refused to design me a chair though which takes points away, but he sampled ‘Lullaby’ by The Cure on an old track called ‘Snowflakes’ and Lullaby is my secret favourite song ever.
9. Ghosts – Another hot tip who are about as inspiring as beige paint.
10. The Rumble Strips – Lovely! Played loads of festivals this year and got absolutely minimal recognition for it. I’m going for Tiny Dancers instead though because as well as looking like they’ve invaded a child’s birthday party whenever they play, they are very nearly very good and just need some polishing.
BBC in hipper and more relevant than Guardian shocker? Seriously, if they turn out another list as crap as that one I'm going to spend 2007 listening to 'Maneater'.
Bands that should have been on that list that weren’t: Noisettes (yes, they've been around for ages but they haven't even released an album yet and it's a brilliant one)Robyn, Shiny Toy Guns, The Bastard Fairies, Example, Black DanieL. Le Disko by STG has an urgent appointment with your iPod, like, yesterday.
And of course, if you haven't already hear Bat For Lashes then you should be horse whipped.