Oh. God. If anyone is in the region of Hampshire and would like to collect me before I bludgeon my entire family to death with fireside instruments, please do so. Now.

Today is just full of fantabulous news. Hot on the heels of the fact we don't have to come to work tomorrow (holiday holiday yay yay yay!) comes news that there si going to be a new Sharpe! Isn't that just the best news ever? hordes of women throughout the land go "Yes Kat, yes it is." Happy Christmas to me.

Hurray! Today I got my first nothing-to-do-with-work present from a PR. Boo! It's this entirely incomprehensible object, a Powerball. You couldn't give me a book, could you? //end ungrateful//

The loveliest Christmas card in the world EVER.*

*As long as you love dogs.

Congratulations to Miss Annabel Jackson for this night receiving a training contract at a very good firm. Hopefully she will now be able to sleep.

Pant-wetting excitement at the ready, it's the X3 trailer!

Stay AWAY from this film. It's so relentlessly awful it might just be worse than ExistenZ. Did somebody buy the director/writer a film kit for Christmas? Did they then put it all back in the wrong order with bits missing so nothing makes sense and people are forced to act terribly? Stay away from cinemas around February 10th. Either that or go and see North Country again.

I'm seeing Kong on Sunday! I'm seeing Kong on Sunday! Whoop whoop whoop!

Ad nauseam.

I know it's bloody freezing, so, um, what better time to give away your sleeping bag than now? Cover For Kashmir is doing an appeal aimed at festival-going types (and let's face it, the only fest around now is ATP which is all cosied up in chalets) to help with the relief operation in Kashmir and North Pakistan.

CMU reports: Atleast three million are still homeless following the earthquake, and thousands will die this winter unless they find shelter - or the shelter reaches them. To help in remedying the situation, a ' Drive For Life tour' has been organised. The 'Cover For Kashmir' van will drive to 8 major cities over the course of 4 days to pick up warm winter sleeping bags and blankets from festival goers, students and the general public around the UK and at collection points set up at major universities across the country. You've missed Leeds and Manchester, that was yesterday, but the van's still to call at the following locations:

Liverpool, Nottingham, Birmingham: Friday 18 Nov (that's today - quick
quick)
Bristol: Saturday 19 Nov
Oxford, London: Sunday 20 Nov

You can also send stuff to Studio 35, The Old Truman Brewery, 91 Brick lane, London, E1 6QL. If you haven't got a sleeping bag, go buy one, or make a donation to the relief effort at http://www.dec.org.uk. For more info
contact: aid@protestrecordings.com

I've just noticed that my wishlist still says to see Walk The Line. Scratch that, I saw it at LFF and it was more meh than wow. Again, probably the hype machine in overdrive, but while it was an ok biopic, it didn't do anything especially zingy as a film, certainly nothing to warrant all this Oscar talk. I think I'll change the wishlist to mending this damn keyboard,which requires heavy bashing of the space bar since IG spilled tea and soup on it. Mmmm...edible keys. Kind of.

France McDormand deserves at least a nod for Best Supporting Oscar for North Country. Even The Bean's ropier than old rope Yank-via-Sheffield accent doesn't put you off. Terrific film too, lots of neat little funny bits along with the stomach-churning parts.

A new definition to post-university "meh"-ness thanks to Phil.

phil says:
we got stopped by Liverpools radio city the other week
phil says:
so they could ask us about a meningitis outbreak at the uni in which a student perished
Kattack! says:
Oh dear.
Kattack! says:
I feel even more shallow now.
phil says:
you won't
phil says:
i told them there were loads of students
Kattack! says:
?
phil says:
and they wouldn't miss one

We're all going to hell.

Spam titles get increasingly acid-ridden: "Impress with your hard erection! Turnaround toast-maker."

#1 sign of Pete Doherty's fall from "edgy" grace: being namechecked on The Archers by the vicar.

Despite having missed all of season 2 due to that lovely job in Every Bar Ever, I'm quite excited by these new Little Britain pictures. Or maybe that's because gorgeous and delectable GG has bought me a ticket to see them next year. Hurray!

New Narnia trailer - my appetite for wholesome nostalgic kiddy fare now distinctly diminished. Boo hiss etc.

Cameron Crowe on Orlando Bloom: "He sees all the people screaming for him and he says “Stop the car, I’m getting out right now,” they’re like “But you’ll be late,” and he says “Then I’ll be late. I’m signing autographs for them, they’re my fans.”"

Doesn't that just make you want to line both of them up against a wall and fill them full of bullets?

Aww! Britain's best look-a-like band Alfie (Beckham on bass, Badly Drawn Boy, Tim Burgess singing) are splitting up because they're not getting the breaks. I saw them in my first year at uni and they were lovely. Go out and buy copies of Stuntman etc to mourn the passing of a badn who didn't get the breaks they would have got had they been catchier.

Damn! Working here has turned me into the Comic Book Guy. Still, this truly IS the best. link. ever. Fact!

Want to rake in royalties but don't have time to write a hit song? Hey, never mind! If you've got a spare £15k you can buy a whole 7% of a BBritney Spears song. Alternatively, you could write yourself a cheque for the £15k and ask someone to give it to you.

If you haven't already been initiated into the joy that is the utterly delectable Sam West then look no further. Ridiculously beautiful photo = 15 years off actual age = delicious!

Tired. Crotchety. Hate bank. Want sleep. Doom film brilliant.

Richard Gere must be dying with anticipation at this latest gadget.

Wrong, but hilariously wrong.

Grammar is a niggle. This is bloody hilarious. As HM puts it, all punctuation is 'model's own.
________________________________
To the DUTY OFFICE of ITV Television :

As discussed, I shall be Extremely grateful for your Kind Assistance in passing on My following Contact Details to: Mrs. SHARON OSBOURNE & FAMILY (The 'Star' of the X-Factor Series, et el) ~
With whom I wish to Personally Communicate, in regards to Proposing to themselves the opportunity to View/Become Involved with a 'Unique New Entertainment related Gaming Project'
; of which I, as the Inventor & Sole Proprietor, wish to Confidentially Share with them at this time.

From: XXXXXXX X. XXXXXX

Pvt. Telephone Line : 0208 xxx-xxxx - London UK.
E-Mail : xxxxxxx.xxxxx@xxxxxx

THANKING YOU

Most Sincerely.

PS : As an ardent ITV Television Channel Viewer - I also take this Opportunity, to Thank the ITV Television Group for transmitting such absolute 'Top Class' TV Programming, the Entertainment which I too, enjoy each and every Day !

I need a haircut. In other news, there was something really cool I was going to post on here and I've forgotten it. How incredibly surprising.

Make a pig! Make a pig! If you can't be arsed, the password is 'oink'. I swear some of those people must have computerised pencils, because you sure as hell can't draw THAT with a mouse.

Can you tell the difference between a geek and a serial killer? Aha!I got 10/10 so I will always be safe. Must be an online thing. Plus the fact that most of these pictures pre-date computing.

Just what I always wanted! A bloke on the forum at work has turned us all into the cerw of Star Trek!

Disturbing thought of the day: According to GLAMOUR, Katie Holme's aunt has spoken out against reports her niece used IVF to conceive Tom Cruise's child. Carol Zydorczyk told reporters: "I can assure you they did it the old fashioned way."

Er, how? Was there some kind of ceremony? Did the whole family take part?

Woo hoo! First exclusive obtained for Empire! And I got a danish pastry out of it an' all...

Best. Story. Ever.

Marilyn Manson is hoping to beat the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears in the perfume wars with his very own fragrance (quoth The New York Post). The goth rocker, who's currently planning his wedding to Dita Von Teese, says as well as creating a signature scent he wants to bring out his own line of cosmetics and is "in the final stages with one of the major companies".

I don't even care if that's true or not, that's the most hilarious thing I've heard all day. Oh wait, scratch that, I found out Ralph Fiennes is a massive computer game fan this morning. Tee hee!

This looked better in print. Grrrr, stylish.

Wow. In a dramatic upgrade from My First Doll and My First Crafty Fag (hi Ian), last night saw My First Premiere. On arrival at Leicester Square it suddenly occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea what to do at a red carpet event. I ended up walking sheepishly up the said carpet, staring at my feet to avoid the beady eyed stares of the assembled public going "You! You're tall...but not famous so fuck off."

In the end the ridiculously lovely PRs walked me through everything and parked me next to a nice freelancer from Newsbeat and far away from the camp old roue holding court along the line. They asked us who we wanted to talk to and brought them along like celebrity sushi. Sadie Frost? No problem? Grayson Perry? Over here mate. Who's your new bloke, Kelly? It was like being wrapped in Heat magazine and well-salted.

In a shaming move, I skipped the film and party and went home to pass out on the sofa with leftovers. How bloody rock n roll.

Ha non-believers - ha! My university's better than your university. In other news, Nick Pickles has finally done what he always threatened to do and has taken over the world. Kind of. If SU president even counts as power anymore. Dopes Durham have power? In the world of the Sunday Times it does, and I believe whatever the Sunday Times says...

Oh yeah, the Wallace and Gromit film is EXCELLENT.

Let it be said that nothing tastes better than cous cous and rocket at stupid hours of the morning.

It amazes me how much James Blunt continues to make me want to scrape out my ears with shards of glass. Maybe it's the too twee for words voice, the insipid melodies, the fact you're supposed to feel slightly reverent at the fact he used to be fighting for Queen and country in t'militreh but maybe most of all it's the fact my housemates and their extremely excellent friends all adore the bastard and, worst of all, have arranged backstage passes. The ONE TIME I could go backstage and it was to James 'mediocre is above me' Blunt. If I didn't break out in a rash everytime I heard that word, he'd become rhyming slang quicker than you could say platinum selling album.

24 hours and I'll be on a train to end up in Germany where there is no James Blunt.

Teri Hatcher truly has reached new lows. Never mind the fact she threw a hissy fit at not winning an Emmy, now she's blaming her behaviour on...her daughter.

Yes, apparently the super-hyper-irritating one old someone who told someone who told Ananova that it was only because of her little daughter that she was upset at not winning the best actress gong. And nothing whatsoever to do with insecurity at the fact the rest of the cast trounce her in the acting stakes.

"I didn't care at all about losing, but I just didn't want Emerson to feel bad," said the freakish witch.

Sore are we? Jeez.

Hurray! If you need something really good to do this weekend then head along to the Riverside Studios and watch Bread and Tulips in a double bill with Agata and the Storm. Bread and Tulips is gorgeous - like Shirley Valentine in Venice - and it's got bruno Ganz pre-Downfall in it as a lovely Icelandic waiter.

It's on this Friday and Saturday at 8.55pm for £6.50 (quid off if you've got a concession)

This is shameful self-publicity but fuck it, it looks so pretty I don't care. Head to Gigwise and admiore and worship the glorious flash! Ooh, there's my back. Then read my GLC interview, obviously. Gigwise is here.

Rock! 6 Music, rock! They're playing the first single I ever bought, Trash by Suede. I even sent off one of those quaint postal order thigns to get the limited edition vinyl, which meant I ad twice as much sitting-in-bedroom-swaying-back-and-forward fun. Brilliant!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrr me hearties if it ain't that time of year again! Yep, it's Talk Like a Pirate Day.

I really need to leave this country. Next week cannot possibly come too soon.

Dammit again! As if I needed another internet distraction, my soul has been eaten by My Space.

*EVERYONE needs yet another internet distraction.

I suppose I'm filling in the minutes between things about cars and telly before I am forced to use t'internet for good and not evil.

For the moment however, you can find me wasting time
here

Fact or fiction? Hilarious or, er, not?

The most accurate prediction on where terrorists will attack next, wins. The definition of terrorist attack stands here for a war action aimed at any civil target on any location that’s not already involved in any kind of "official" war or so intetend by U.S. administration. Thus comnsider a peaceful territory where there could be at least 10 random civil victims within 48hrs (missing people will not be included).

The person guessing the right technique used (a bomb attack, a suicide bomber, chemical weapons, etc.) and getting the closest location of the attack, will be contacted by e-mail and will receive the exclusive where-next.com T-shirt, showing the place and the time of the attack. A new game will start after every successful attack and the previous bets will be cancelled.

Er, what now?

Dammit! I've just been fired from my only vaguely reliable source of pin money for not living in Wales. Althoughs seeing as I just called it "pin" money maybe the 19th century is a *bit* far away.

Phew. Have finished the GLC interview. This is good, because up until about 15 minutes ago my transcript consisted of this:

Orange alert – Spanish tomatoes.

She’s alright, I prefer Geri.

He’s probably one of the best footballers this country’s ever had

I don’t remember really, we spent most of our time getting high

Tunes mostly. We’ve got some different words

Something about Stannah stairlifts.

Worm eggs.

It seems ridiculous to me, they’re so comfy why isn’t everyone doing it?

Devon woman Joan Worth is mystified after her snow white cat Brumas suddenly turned bright pink.

Philip and Joan Worth, of Bratton Clovelly, near Okehampton, could not believe their eyes when Brumas came home.

The nine-year-old cat had undergone a drastic transformation.

Mrs Worth said: "He was pink - Barbie pink. His head, ears and right down his body, although not underneath, had gone a quite brilliant pink."

Mr Worth added: "He went out snow white and came back Barbie pink.

"We went to the vet, but they couldn't find any reason for it, although they decided it wasn't toxic, which was what I was worried about."

See the scary freak cat here

Jesus, that's the new Oasis single? I thought it was Coldplay.

Oh my GOD life just gets better and better. I'm going to write about soaps! Yes, soaps! I'll actually *have* to watch them! No longer can people take the piss out of me for recording Neighbours. Oh, wait...

Hurrah! The video to the excellent new Franz Ferdinand single is out and it's really good. Hark as they run around in matching outfits looking askance at cool art types! Gasp as they get all the arty people dancing in unison, even the scantily clad shop window models! Then watch the brilliant T.Raumschiere vid and decide which you like best.
Franz T.Raumschiere

While trawling the net for Radio Times trivia I made a test. So far everyone has got it wrong (unless they googled which is rubbish).

Which one of these programme titles is not real?

The Boy They Called Chucky
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off
The Boy With The Incredible Brain
The Boy With Two Heads

(See also My Breasts Are Too Big, My Mum Is My Dad and The Strangest Village in Britain. Jesus.)

Oh. My. God. I am there already.

!!!!!

Want to appear in the new Test Icicles video next week? Send your name, age and phone
number/email address, photo, soul, bribes, small Amazonian pugs to test.icicles@independ.net.

What do you mean you've never heard of them? Oh all right then...

I should probably nominate another site to be my hot site (jesus what an appalling phrase) but the Gods and Undergrads creator has suddenly shot into overdrive meaning that it's being updated a lot more. If you haven't had a look already you should - it's really good myths and magic stuff swung in with a dollop of Kevin Smith and your typical college drama. Mmmm.

Ooh look it's Monday. Where *did* the time go. A lot of people I know are up in righteous anger about Bush's inaction regarding Hurrican Katrina. I am just rather glad that I am nowhere near a storm. Righteous inaction is pretty much where I stand when actual opinion isn't available.

It's even less available now as my brain is currently occupied with trying not to think about the gaping wound in my elbow. So giving blood is no more fun the more you do it. Possibly having a 12-month gap between appointments was erring on the lax side but it was bloody horrible and one of my least favourite things to do. The nurses were switched onto hyper chirpy which made keeping a grim silence rather impossible. Then it all went wrong anyway as the my bloody blood wasn't being removed fast enough and they had to wiggle the needle around which proved too much for my anti-needle sensibilities and I cried like a small infant.

I got some biscuits and a packet of crisps out of it though. Yum.

The T.A.F. has, understandably, taken umbrage at being a token anything. "I don't fit in any parking machines anywhere," he said huffily. My bad. On the bright side, everyone, austra-hoojima-whatever should take great joy in the fact that Flight of the Conchords start their new show at 10 on Radio 2 tonight - it's going to be genius so download it, listen to it, or check it out tomorrow.

The Conchords suffer a setback when Bret has an accident at the Tower of London. Their first UK gig is in jeopardy. Can Neil Finn save the day?

You betcha.

My work is officially the best workplace in the world because our boss just went out and bought us all ice creams. Aaahhhhhh!

Excellent, have found the wonderfully squishy T.raumschiere electro song that greeted me on Saturday. Head to the shitkatapult site and click on monstertruckdriver. Is brilliant. Ici! Ici!

The stalker saga continues apace. This morning I tripped happily into Outlooks to find no less than FOUR emails from said mad person proving that he is the Grade A nutter of my dreams.

Sat, Aug 27, 2005 10:12am
As I presume this is not Kat from the programme I will ignore the 'wind up' reply! Please do let the real Kat have my email address though and offer her the choice of contacting me or not. Regards, A.

Sat, Aug 27, 2005 10:26am
I am now not sure if the email I received was in fact from Kat or not.As I am not in the habit of emailing television programmes the reply yesterday somewhat confused me with the "BBC" attachment on the email address. If indeed it was Kat mailing back I apologise. Please clarify. Thanks, A.

Sat, Aug 27, 2005 3:12pm
Photo and earnings? A surprisingly shallow request from an intelligent person! Unless it was somewhat tongue in cheek? However I am a 29 year old self employed accountant from Cheshire who would like to chat more and learn about the "real" Kat!!!!! Speak soon, A.

Today, 9:18am
Disappointed not to have had a reply to last week's message. Are you still out there??????

I think this game should now be drawn to a close. I will not answer the mad person. Regards, thanks, speak soon - I don't believe so Mister.

Franz Ferdinand's new single rocks - fact. It also sounds scarily like one of the songs by a band called Traumschiere that played at TDK on Saturday, but, as they're not Franz Ferdinand nobody will ever notice probably. Shame. Anyway, 'Do You Want To' is bouncy electro dancing Ness with a capital N so hunt it down. Now.

And Kat ends the week drinking Moet at the BBC once more and engaging in a game of Chinese whispers. Gasp as "Does he taste of Guinness?" magically becomes "Have you touched his penis?" That's as tame as we're going.

See? Listening to BBC 7 has its benefits as I otherwise wouldn't have found out that the utterly excellent Flight of the Conchords are going to run a six-part series starting September 1st! And where will this dry musical wonder be occurring? Um, Radio 2.

According to Chortle (who've known about it since the end of June, the bastards) "much of it was recorded on a portable mini-disc at London landmarks including Hyde Park, The Tower of London, Piccadilly Circus - and the first aid room at Broadcasting House." Indeed.

Radio 2's becoming a bit cool in its old age: The Blagger's Guide looks fantastic.

I have just embarrassed myself by laughing quite extensively at The Man Who Fell Asleep. I'll punctuate it properly because it deserves the respect of good grammar. If you haven't read it already, what's wrong with you, you disturbed and utterly lacking individual?

All the links are going at the bottom now because the formatting's gone all splodgy and turns it weird when links go in. If anyone knows how to make the horror stop, tell me.

Read chick lit, Metropolitan or start at the beginning and read everything.

Want to see (yawn) Kasabian? Send a text saying ‘Kasabian’ to the following number – 07960 433441 and if there are any left you'll get a ticket to a secret show in London. No time or place until they tell you. They're very pretty though and that's all that matters really isn't it? No? How DARE you call me shallow.

Much more fun would if you bought tickets to The Rakes Club NME tour in October, because the absolutely BRILLIANT Louis XIV are supporting and they'll wipe the floor with everyone else. I'm so excited I might burst if I wasn't already dying of cold.

Ace. The Internation Karate + are doing what is possibly the best idea for a tour ever: on August 29th they'll be touring a load of motrway service stations before ending up at the LATER in a pub WITHout JULES HOLLAND festival at Meze in Newport. The full run is 12:00 Membery East bound 13:00 Reading East bound 14:00 Reading West bound 15:00
Membery West bound 16:00 Leigh Delamere 17:00 Magor 20:00 Newport Meze lounge. Rock.

Who is this Piano Man then and why have I only just heard about him? If he's been the source of "fevered speculation" for the last four months then why haven't I been speculating just as feverishly? Have his silent antics been hidden in the Money section in the knowledge that I would never look there? If I didn't know better I'd think it was April Fool's all over again. (Piano Man)

*Phew* we can all sleep safely in our beds knowing that Coogan and Love aren' in fact spawning. Again the troubling though arises, but I'll put it away. I don't care. I'm bored. There's a marked difference that is clear as a bloody bell, honest.

I lost my Brixton Academy virginity to the Token Australasian (he's a Kiwi, I can't write Australian) last night. Fantastic venue once I'd got 6 pints of water down me and was no longer convinced I was going to fall over. QOTSA (fuck it, I'm not writing the damn name out) were excellent, it was bizarrely like watching some kind of opera unfolding with all the tuneful bits and then massive long instros fleshed out with the kind of rock ordinarily located in volcanos. Weird thing to notice but the lights were genius as well. It really makes a difference when you've got a stupidly dramatic show and the lights reflect it. Although Metallica's great fire candles just made me laugh, bless 'em.

While desperately scrawling the interweb looking for DCFC research I should have done on Friday but couldn't be arsed - Stereogum gets the best quote from a recent article:

"I feel like there has been created, in the past two to three years, an indie-yuppie establishment. Bands like Death Cab for Cutie, Iron and Wine, the Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, they are great bands, really great bands, with great albums, great songs, high quality. And to me, it's just so fucking boring," he says. "It’s like fancy-coffee-drinking, Volvo-riding music for kids. And kids should be listening to music that shakes them up more, makes them uncomfortable."

Time to spot the Indie Yuppies around you. You know at least four, of course you do. yay! (Stereogum )(Vice article)

If you adore the Mighty Boosh (and not just because they is well fit innit) and you have no morals/ethics/self-respect then join us all down at Oxford Street Borders at 7pm on Thursday where they will be signing all manner of things. Except me, because I've just realised I will be climbing my way up a large horse as I do every Thursday. Damn.

If you don't have the magic of BBC3 or know of the Mighty Boosh or indeed have any particular feelings on their fitness or otherwise, then content yourself with the Acting Friend's piss-funny academic thesis on Avril Lavigne. I think the boy wrote it many years ago but it's still depressingly funnier than anything I've ever written. (Mighty Boosh)(Avril Lavigne)

Will the horror NEVER END? As if it weren't bad enough that the vision of Steve "The Parole Officer was actually an excellent film" Coogan and Courtney Love writhing around the States has been popping into my head for entirely inexplicable reasons, then apparently he's got her pregnant too. What the hell can you say? The Cultural Friend had many interesting things to say about celebrity and why we're all so obsessed last night, unfortunately I then had to crawl my way to the bar and get water so I didn't faint. I reiterate faint, not pass out. It's all thoroughly bizarre and yes, we're all disgusting human beings for caring, but I need something to wake me up in the mornings and I am not sacrificing my Thursday Popbitch for anybody.

Ah, and the OC moments begin: interviewing Death Cab for Cutie Monday and wondering whether I dare give them one of my old MLPs so they can have their own Princess Sparkle. Possibly not...

The really great thing about the Aussie/Kiwi population explosion in England is that it means *more ways* to take the piss out of the French.

The even better thing is that they have more humorous advertising to plunder. Unfortunately Blogger Hates Macs so cut and paste this lovely vodka ad in and be amused. Unless you have no sense of humour. http://www.42below.co.nz/assets/sm/147/18/french2_web.jpg

Eurgh! Steve Coogan and Courtney Love as a gruesome twosome. That has just officially put me off my food.

So the expected heatwave didn't happen then. I'm falling over myself with surprise.

It's amazing what a combination of abject fear and resignation will do to a person. It gets your brain to remember how bloody amazing David the Gnome was. Note: I am not Swat Kat and I do not "visit nature".

My Friend in the North has just sent me a thrilling, if somewhat odd, discovery. All hospitals with medical schools in have bars. FN's next suggestion is, naturally, to crawl the hospitals, but collecting drinks rather than broken limbs and stitches. It sounds strangely alluring, but for the fact that I went to the RCS museum on a similar pretext and got locked in. With a lot of things in jars. There wasn't a bar there though so maybe I'll get over it and get trashed in triage.

More excellent tit-bits heading our way soon. That Guy From Scream (Liev Schreiber, going to be in the Omen remake - shudder) directs Elijah Wood in yet another role that tries to break away from LOTR but funnily enough makes him look like Kevin in Sin City (the eyes, the EYES) from a great book Everything is Illuminated. Breathes. Oh yeah, and they made a sequel to Saw. Ouch.

Another example of Photoshop's many uses...

Forget the bombs, there's a whole new measure of death forecast for this week:

1) We're all going to die of heat-ness on Friday if that pinnacle of journalistic credibility, The Star, has anything to do with it. Apparently temperatures are going to nudge 39.6 degrees, although how they can be so specific is beyond me. Maybe they threw darts at the office board.

2) We're all going to die of mouse-related to diseases. Some little rodent bastard is running around the office eating our crisps and lurking in our drawers.

3) We're all going to die of boredom caused by abject poverty. Obvsiouly not that abject, so don't write irate letters at me, rather the fact that all the free fun has been done. For the moment. I think the plan is now to go and 'promenade' at the, er, Proms on Monday and spy on people the Other Cat knows.

OOoh! I'm on t'internet as an example of "tomorrow's work force". Snigger. Really?

Irony - that's nice isn't it? Americans seem to have it now, judging from the shocked response of a friend of mine in NY Doing Fashion. He sat next to an ironic Amercian on the flight over who catered to all his judgmental whims by going "I love how you english build your castles right next to your train stations, so convenient." Marvellous.

Token Australian Friend sent me questions from potential visitors to Oz, posted on an Australian Tourism site and answered by the webmasters who clearly have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

I have just achieved nirvana in that work has given me a Newsround Press Pack cap. The sheer joy of wearing such a hat is some consolation against the fact that the sales team takes impish joy in calling me "Kat the student". Sigh...

Plus the fact it looks NOTHING like this.

Blimey! Yesterday I was one of a mere 28 citizens (most of whom were techies congratulating themselves on their site working) and now there's 3731 - a bit of a tight squeeze given our country is, er, a comedian's flat.

Some unoriginal soul has come up with name 'Danmark'. Bless.

One thing I love about London transport is a) the fact that it's working again and b) the poetry that is sprinkled around everywhere. Don't subscribe to the stupid rule that says you have to find your favourite poems in a small, dark cupboard shop in Morocco, handed to you by a wise beggar whose dying moments you spent conversing in the finer points of Cocteau. That's bollocks. This is why that's bollocks.

Oh. My. God. They're *actually* making a game of Jaws! With really, really shoddy graphics. Apparently there are "twenty five points of dismemberment" when you rip up your victims. Lovely! Watch the trailer.

Magic Numbers doing Beyoncé = utterly marvellous.

Holy Moly didn't hide behind fluffery this time: Sienna Miller's 6 weeks gone. Way to get revenge on Evil Jude (tm) I find it worrying that this is news, but I don't really care enough to feel an intellectual quandary coming on. In the words of BBCelia, could her luck *get* any worse? Oh, and Helen McCrory's probably going to play Bellatrix Lestrange in HP5.

Hilariously rubbish alumni news from Durham:

"Dr. Anthony Peabody who attended St Cuthbert's in the 1960's, where he studied Botany, has this year been appointed President of the International Banjo Circle."

duefiori says:
dunno if i ever told you, but once i overhooked and overchatted a jeovah witness.
like HE was the one checking his watch nervously, and hurried away, and never came back

Battle Kat says:
My god! that doesn't happen! Except in dreams and really kick ass films.

duefiori says:
i proudly did. hooked him up with MY line about agnosticism and math applied to religion

duefiori says:
with ample examples from pythagorean

duefiori says:
for HOURS

My friends are fabulous.

Slightly troubling in a ghoulish kind of way - Why Typing Is Wrong. Ta to Paddy for sending this one (maaaaaan!)

One of the benefits of spending your afternoon trawling the web for trivia questions is that you get to find out that Justin Timberlake sang the Pokérap.

I Can't Believe It's Not In The Times! News of the day:

Berlusconi's arse fat gets turned into $10,000 bar of soap.

Restaurant called Car Crash is forced to close after, er, a car crashes into it

Father of 12 admits he's gay and that he only made his wife pregnant to "give her something to do".

Bear learns to knock on doors, villagers not convinced.

I can't really say how lovely the new Joy Zipper song is, so I'll leave you a link to watch the video so you can find out for yourself. It's called 'One' and is delicious like cherries.

I am drinking Moet at the BBC. Clearly I am living the middle-class dream.

Oh for god's sake, I wish people would stop trying to blow us up. It's very inconvenient and doesn't make us feel any more sympathy for their cause.

Take my quiz and you could win an exciting MP3 player!

I'd quite like an MP3 player but I'm not allowed to enter these competitions anymore. Boo hiss.

Oh yes. And as if I could forget, check out Polly Paulusma. I can't spell her name but she's easily this generation's Joni Mitchell and Carole King combined. Beautiful.

Best band of the week: Louis XIV - their entire album is listenable to on www.louisxiv.net and is like the Stones with more balls.

Best album: Paul Anka, Rock Swings. Utterly, utterly, brilliant: big band covers of, among others, Van Halen's 'Jump', 'Eye of the Tiger' and that bloody Nirvana song. Steal a copy if you must.

Delightful fact of the day: Uncut's music editor is extremely fond of Girls Aloud and insisted the office put the new single on immediately. He even did a little dance which was excellent.

Yah boo sucks to anyone who thinks England is a cold miserable place. The office is 32 degrees which makes it a hot, miserable place. I love my fan. I feel like Scarlett o'Hara with a more impressive cooling system.

Be warned. The ugliest dog in the world is not even remotely cute. At least his owner loves him.

Politicians form a band! MP4 is made up of Labour's Kevin Brennan (guitar and vocals) and Ian Cawsey (Bass and lead vocals), the Scottish National Party's Pete Wishart (keyboards) and Conservative Greg Knight (drums) and are releasing a single for Charidee (aww, bless their little MP hearts). You can download the single, a cover of 'Can't Buy Me Love' at http://www.7digital.com/downloads/mp4/ if you really must, or you could just pop a couple of quid in a tin. (CMU)

Urban Rocky is awesome. Shame about the lack of steps though.

Quality odd news courtesy of CMU Daily. So much for being at one with the earth (although having witnessed how the fruit farm has underpaid my brother for the last four years, I'm not entirely surprised.)

After MyCokeMusic and whatever it is McDonalds does, the California Tree Fruit Agreement have done a deal with iTunes (Apple! Oh the hilarity!) which allows people who buy three pounds of fruit and some form of salad package thing (which I doubt you'll need after three pounds of fruit but never mind) you get three iTunes free. Oooh fancy! Couldn't they just start growing apples anyway? It would be ever so funny.

Having suspended our belief for the last week I reckon we can just about stretch it til Saturday morning - it's almost Harry Potter o'clock! A very nice lady answered at my local Smith's, sounding just a mite harassed at the prospect of a midnight opening. The very fact that Petersfield is having a midnight opening at all goes to show how the place is growing up - they'll be having sushi bars next. Blimey...

The inevitable left-wing middle-class guilt about yesterday has started. One friend, aka Mr Slim embarked on a weary diatribe featuring the words "war" "Blair" and simliar. 'I just found myself thinking "well these things will happen if you spend long enough fucking around with foreign countries you don't understand" and things like that,' says he. not that it's not terrible for the people involved of course, but it just seemed inevitable and not even that shocking any more tbh.' Fair enough. 'I guess I would have felt differently if I'd been near any of the scenes,' he said realistically, followed by the killer, 'as it was I was in bed.'

This was counterpointed (delicious word, DELICIOUS) by Niall, splashing through London from Glastonbury en route to Korea, curling his lip in contempt, and saying: 'Yes the commuters clearly said "Excuse me, Mr Terrorist, please blow me up to sate my guilt at the horrible inequalities of this world".

Whatever. It's easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes, but if they do the same you end up where you are to begin with. Oh god, the tortuous pseudo-philosphical tarting of it all. It hurts my brain.

La Repubblica was sadly pretty much right - around 50 fatalities substantiated. Let's all shower love on Alabam 3 who have amused me greatly this morning with this post on the Gumtree LDF.

"Alabama 3 are ok apart from Orlando who sustained cuts and bruises at kings cross. Furthermore, he blames their agent for getting them up at 0700hrs for the first time in months to be at Caledonian Road for 0915hrs to proceed to catch a plane to the Czech republic for a festival - this caused him to be at Kings Cross at the fatal timel. the band reiterate to their agent that it is dangerous to get them up before midday. Their thoughts are with all their fellow sufferers in their home town.

LarryLove"

La Repubblica is reporting a far worse story than the BBC can, for obvious reasons. While here we have suggestions of 90 injured and two confirmed dead, at Aldgate, LR is reporting at least 70 dead, with 150 injured. Jesus Christ.

There are rumours flying around everywhere: that police shot a man with a bomb strapped to him in Canary Wharf, that Leicester Square's been affected (it hasn't, we'd see anything from our window)...it's just so crazy.

Tony Blair gave a wonderful speech at Gleneagles. That's it. Our music editor is now getting pissed off at receiving PR emails telling us about so and so's new gig. Life must go on, but some PRs seem to be intensely vampiric. Bless. What a surprise.

Three buses have now blown up and there are a lot of casualties. Phone networks are jammed and it's pretty much impossible to get in touch with people. Bloody ridiuclous, you're right up at the top of a building, look outside and you can't see any signs of anything being wrong: people strolling around, cars dragging through the roads, London Eye still turning.

This is ridiculously weird. I've got a horrible cold feeling running through me.

Woo! We won the Olympics! And in celebration the whole of London has been shut down due to a 'power surge' on the Tube. However, it's markedly unlikely that a similar 'power' surge' could be to blame for the bus which exploded in Tavistock Square. What the fuck is going on? Our news editor has been on the phone cheerily saying that, up in a socking great building as we are, we're "Bully's Special Prize". Charming, bless him. Whoever blew up this bus has got their timing perfect - coincidence or not, the power surge is going to amplify the effects of the bomb, so that from just one explosion, it's now as if they're to blame for everything. Started with the G8, now it's spread. Wankers.

Gossip essentials Popbitch and lame pretender Holy Moly are having what seems to be the lamest hissy fit in the history of cat fighting. In this week's newsletters they use the age-old 'copy/paste' technology to slag off one show and add 'dignity' to the other: Popbitch slams Big Brother while Holy Moly does the same for Celebrity Love Island. *Yawn* - HM tries, and looks terribly shiny, but its gossip's just not as diverting. Popbitch had to make yet another apology this week, this time to Lisa Moorish. Oops.

Yes, it's morning again which means it's time for yet more procrastination instead of doing work/research/other. Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you? I'm equal parts Darth and Padme. It's a fine line between good and evil.

...Happily I get to find a new religion every day with the portable and cheerful Plug-Pray! So blasphemous that 9/10 Christian fundamentalists would burn down your house if you bought one.

The problem with being enthusiastic and desperate on the weekends means that when you actually come into college, there's no damn paper. I found one scrap of it lurking in the depths of the printer with a link to something called prismcomics.org on it.

"Comics eh?" sez I, still revelling in the fact that a recently purchased back issue of Essential X-Men had a letter of mine in it, "That sounds significantly better than whatever it was I was doing." So I read several witty, informative and screwy pieces on Supergirl, whether the Human Torch is actually as gay as he's presented, the utterly terrifying "Family Values" Coalitions in the States and their battles against gay comic characters and about a two-part issue of the Green Lantern focusing on gay hate crimes.

Prism is a site focusing on LGBT representation and undertones in comics with as much adoration for the format as any fanboy worth their salt. It's not geeky, nor pedantic, it is however bloody addictive. I'm clearly not going to get any work done today...

What's the deal with the 350 german spam messages I got today? Is someone on some kind of crusade to bring German magazines to public consciousness? It's bloody anooying is what it is. Oh well, at least the new Coral song is ace. Good for that.

The boring revision frenzy of yesterday has dwindled into the frenzied playing of the truly awesome Spongebob Collapse. 1,518,980 to beat. Game on suckas...

What was number 1 when you were born? Yes we care. I care. I got Culture Club and the theme from that Debra Winger navy flick. Rock!

Today we are mostly adoring badgerbadgerbadger. See why.

Oh god my head hurts. People should not be allowed to use computers when they're drunk.

Trumpeting removed for being stupidly arrogant. More so even than usual.
[[[WARNING WARNING]]]]

I'm going to have a trumpet blowing session in a minute. Possibly with a brass section. So if you don't like it, go away. I'm 22 and have the shame of a lemon. And the ego of a 22 year old. Just so you're warned sufficiently - this is nice things about ME! Me! Me! Oh yes, me as well.

This is so incredibly wrong i think it's going through my head and out the other side, but hey, otters are best, and clearly the person who wrote sex tips for otters thought so too.

Do you love horses? Do you want to get some, but you just don't love your hors that much? There's a solution! Why not date tens of thousands of single horse lovers? It's actually rather sweet...

Green eh? Would have been nice to get someone who actually stood a chance of getting elected ;) Oh well, guess this means I'm going to have to rely on actual knowledge on Thursday.

Who should I vote for? v2

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

	Labour 9
	Conservative 8
	Liberal Democrat 47
	UKIP 10
	Green 55

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against. The Greens are also anti-Europe.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Something I never knew: Doctors is a training academy for new writers! I thought it was getting better... Even more lovely, Wednesday's episode is written by a tv critic from the Guardian! Read about it here because it's rather fab.

How could they? WHAT could possibly drive the Times to put a socking great spider on the front?! A furry one. With EYES. I had to rip the damn thing off. Bastards.

Why you should love b3ta and such quirksomely amusing geek boys. Ol's my quirksome amusing geek boy, bless. The world should have more.

B3ta will eat your soul.

B3ta will kill your children.

B3ta will burn your church.

Fear us. For we are very scary indeed. Grrr.

Hurray! I didn't realise there was a website for the lovely book Nice Cup of Tea and a Sit Down, but there is. "For tea drinkers who are keen on sitting down and having biscuits." And cake by the looks of it.

Along with the usual bits like "Sugar, how not to give it to somebody who really wants it" there is a biscuit of the week with a really rather big archive. Your favourite biscuit will be in there unless you're weird. They even have a little bit apologising for any rubbish spelling which shows the sad, bitter world we must live in if there are angry people writing in admonishing them for poor grammar. As long as they don't employ text speak. Boo.

Apparently McVities were in league with the Nazis during the War. That's what James said last night anyway. But he's half-lawyer, so I don't really believe him.

Oh my god all my birthdays have come at once! They're making Meg! If I believed in multiple punctuation slightly more there would be exclamation marks up to and beyond Sunday.

Sometimes I think nobody loves puns as much as me. Some girls love stationery, I love stationery and puns. Thank god for OPI's new varnish collection - I want to have a Tempura Tantrum!. The Elvis one's pretty good too, but there aren't any puns. Boo. Still, it's Elvis. But wait! They've got a CANADIAN one! As if Canada wasn't funny enough! Which it isn't. It's a country. Still, I demand a bottle of At Your Quebec and Call. Ya ya yaaaaaaa...

Best rumour of the morning - Kate moss has 40 litres of Evian delivered to her house each day. Well, it's hardly milk, but still, bathing in Evian - nice.

Hmmm...why do fonts suddenly appear/ when they shouldn't? It's a deliciously sunny day herre in Hampshire-land, with daffodils waving around like the hippie half-arsed triffids they are. I really hate daffodils, but for very obscure reasons. Anyway, moving swiftly along and in order to delay the inevitable soup making moment, b3ta has been lovingly helping me to pass time in the least constructive way possible. I love you man. *sobs quietly into sleeve* Observe the utterly terrifying bluetit! Pity the dog on holiday! Snigger hilariously at the Little Miss take-off at the bottom of the page! Bless...

Great quote from an old copy of Uncut, Liv Tyler on meeting the Gallagher brothers: "I just nodded and hoped they'd go away." Bless.

London is a ghots town - literally. I am 25 floors up in the Uncut offices and all I can see is a tiny sweep of land with some buildings half-poking out of the mist. It's very odd to see.

The traditional consumer mag work experience prevails - mail distro, internet surfing, the usual fun. At least there's no replica of the bizarre German femme from Kerrang! She was terrifying to say the least. you'd understand.

Best emo song title of the day thus far; Victim is another name for lover. Ow.

Before heading off into the sunset to go in search of Led Zeppelin related monuments in North Wales, I was flabbergasted to discover that utterly fabulous new track 'Dakota' is in actual fact by those purveyors of tedium, The Stereophonics! Yes! They used to be great, went really quite mediocre and have come out the other side with an ASTOUNDING song! If you have no diea who these people are, search it out on Kazaa or something. Trust me - it's awesome.

The best feckin' search engine in the west - searching all of 12 web pages, it's Doogle!

Ah, I should have done this YEARS ago! Go on, take the Jaws Knowledge Test!

Oh bugger, I've actually been busy. Or at least doing something other than scribbling. Tant mieux I guess. Went gorge walking yesterday for a feature; basically involves much scrambling over rocks, waterfalls, holes in the ground etc, but in wetsuits and waterproofs with a socking great helmet thank god. Was excellent fun, but when coupled with a five hour shift serving snakebite to pissheads three hours after and a rehearsal I'd forgotten about this morning, I don't want to (a la sulky toddler tantrum). Bed please. Again.

Right. We've got a new name so panic over. I suppose.

New panic now - I've got a group presentation coming up in half an hour and I've got butterflies bashing my stomach with knives. How? Why? And what for? This is so unnecessary...

Bloody hell. The day before production day and we discover that there's already a Welsh-based magazine called MONO covering Welsh stuff. I guess it's a good thing we found out now before accusations of plagiarism come out (à la Skirt last year) but what the hell would have happened? It's such a small titchy mag that it could easily have passed under the radar if a, er, psychic hadn't already told me today. Right. Onto new names... possibly Mezzo or Cawl. Hmm.

Hurray! Before Sunset's up for a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar. If you havent' seen it, it's a gem of a film; beautiful, comforting and delicious. Julie Delpy singing and playing guitar rates as a proper spine-tingler.

The news that there are more tickets for Little Britain's tour should go some way to cheering everyone up today. Apparently it's the most depressing day of the year. But it's sunny! So I don't care!

It's snowing! In Wales! I've felt it. How magical - the benefit concert, snow, fuzzy warm feelings of doing your quota of good for the year... I would be much more excited if I didn't have lots of work to do. but I might just go and play. Just a little bit...

The sheer implausibility of this type of physics makes my head hurt. Still, there's something strangely alluring about the mighty 'Hoff at such close range. More Dodgeball methinks...

As if the UK wasn't crossing its legs with enough excitement about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it turns out Tim Burton's come up with a new Nightmare Before Christmas style animation called Corpse Bride! I assume I'm the last one in the world to know about this film (I always am - sigh) but the pictures look enticing and it should be fantastic. Oh yes, and Johnny Depp's in it. *squeaks excitedly*

Best comment so far on last week's McLusky split: "Fuck McLusky. don't they realise splitting up is gay?"

Any section 28 comments will be dealt with in the manner in which this is intended.

New articles! Exciting articles! Interview with Jesse from Death From Above 1979, and a review of The Manics and The Departure. Appear to be slowly cranking my arse into gear; I've almost certainly sold a feature, which, given the telephone call the bank have just given me would be very much welcome. How the hell did I end up owing so much money?

The best description of an argument ever: last night's MPs vs Blair/Brown debacle.

Last night's attack was led by Clive Soley, ex-chairman of the parliamentary Labour party (PLP), now its unofficial shop steward, in terms which some witnesses later described as "blistering" and "a gold-plated bollocking".

Genius.

Right, purely because of how crap I felt last night and because I had an argument with my best mate today, I am going to blow my own trumpet.

I got 80% for my last assignment! Fucking ace!

End of trumpet blowing. That was rather discreet actually...