Johnny Vegas - mad and irritating, or Alan Bennett?

Best Actor, Johnny Depp. Fucking Johnny Vegas
(Muted applause) Hiya, sorry for that I was in the wrong seat. Tring to blag work as I do. I brought two friends I’ve known for nine years and the second I got in here I dropped ‘em. Fucking sat with Paddy McGuiness going “Y’know, I don’t like saying this but you are great. If you ever want to do Dead Man Shoes 2 he could come back and be fat and a bit cleverer and you could come back from the dead as well and I don’t know, it could work for me. I always come here with the best intentions knowing that none of the awards are for me. I always end up talking for 20 mintues, desperately trying to balg work off you.

I am a stand-up who never quite comes across as a stand-up. I am an enigma. To some of you I am a stand-up who does a bit of acting. To others, I’m a wanker. In the past years we’ve had really shit hosts and it’s been good to get up here because you’ve become the comic element, this year it’s been quite funny, so now I’m knackered. And when you’re sitting at a strange table and you’re tackling the one bottle of red wine because no-one is drinking a fresh bottle, the tension builds. But I fucking drank most of it, and I do apologise to you table 11. I should have been at Table 8, but it’s gone and there’s no good bitching and I’m going to be here for a while so if you want to put your hand up – yeah, I was on a winner’s table with somebody who couldn’t be fucking arsed to turn up.

Ladies and gentlemen, in America it’s taken for granted that most stand-ups will get a series on TV, become successful and then end up working for Disney making really crap films. In this country it’s much harder. (“Oh yeah” – Bill Bailey). You often get cast out of your depth, make a couple of shit films, the Film Council get bollocked for it, what was seen as a bit of brave casting often ends up as disaster, people lose jobs and yet your career goes on and you want to feel guilty, but inside I fucking envy your lifestyle.

I wanna join you. I’m not funny anymore, I prove it by turning up to events like this. I came to Star Wars Episode 1, I even joined the line-up, what did you do – you walked off on me. I paid for the fucking (chur Star Wars rant???) I was a teenage fan. I had every bastard toy going. I funded you Rick, I got you a job. And what do you do? Did you cast one fat Jedi, no, you gave a woman huge ears. Fat jedis! Have you seen ‘em? It’s all in the wrist. If ever a man has had to develop his wrist, it’s me. You’re all gathered here, the glitterati, but none of you are bothered because the people you hope were here haven’t turned up, hence me. Yes and a cig ash now on the applause (state?) look at that. He’s using it as an ashtray, he’s just not bothered, he’s had a bit too much red wine, wanting to boost his confidence, show that he’s an affable bloke.

I fucking hate you lot. You’re everything that I want to be and can never be, I canbuy me mam a new kitchen but I can’t buy her a new house thanks to you. (Laughter) The winner of tonight I obviously know, but the noly way I’ve got of gaining your attention is by knowing and not telling you (laughter). Later today I did nearly have a fight with a homeless bloke and I’m proud of it. He asked for some money, I gave him a quid, it’s a lot where I come from, he went “Is that it?”, and I fucking let fly. And do you know how hard it is fighting a homeless person when you’re putting your dry cleaning to one side? ‘I think I’ll put a tie on that’ll mean I mean business’. Unless they’re going to make a Laurel and Hardy film I am fucked. (laughter) Ladies and gentlemen, it is still a pleasure to be here and whil a bit of your mind goes ‘Just give the award’ another bit goes ‘No, keep chipping away at it, win ‘em round!’

Even the ones at the back who feel disgruntled because they know they’re only here because they’ve got a friend nominated. You, as a collection of people, one part of my mind wants to call you a bunch of bastards and the other bit desperately wants to be your friends. So whilst I’m trying to read words put together in capital letters, there’s a fucking tormented fight that would put Jedis to shame going on in my head. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this award, the one man we obviously know isn’t here, so hence he’s won it – like you didn’t look round the room when you were walking in – is somebody who in the press has been represented as my friend and I’m happy to let that myth continue.

I worked with him three years ago and he’s never called me back once. I did, I took my family on holiday and I asked him if I could borrow his speedboat. Not even a text. Just fuck all. And I’ve seen his acceptance speech – it’s wank. I’ve got to warn you now, he’s trying to look awkward, like ‘Oh fucking compliments embarrass me.’ They don’t wi’me! If you gave me a job and I won summat, I would be fuckin’ really good at it. I’ve just never won owt. I’ve got to a point in my life where I’m good at accepting awards on other people’s behalfs! Can you smell the neediness? (shouts) I need an award, and I ain’t got one! ‘I can’t be here tonight ‘cause I;m being a pirate’. Me fucking uncle tried that and they stopped his dole for six weeks. And he was mentally unwell.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven’t already guessed, the winner of this award couldn’t be arsed but he’s here in fuckin’ video tape form anyway and a bit of it’s a bit freaky, I think he’s trying to be a bit quirky, but he’s obviously gone beyond that point of fuckin’ knowing who his public is, and only I can say that because I’m his friend, if you believe what you read in The Sun. He came to my home town, apparently. Ladies and gentlemen, the wniner is somboyd I’ve had the pleasure of working with., I’ve approached him once or twice, I’ve been ushered away by his security, I even once set fire to his caravan, just to fuckin’ force him into the light. I should stick to empty factories. Ladies and gentlemen – well, no-one gets hurt d’they? I ddin’t know his brother was having a shit.

C’mon, fucking liven up, you know you want to. If there’s someone you don’t like who’s sat in front o’yer, just lean your seat forward and burn your cig on their jacket. They don’t know, they blame it on a club later on, but you’ll go home with a sense of justice. I want everyone waking up tomorrow, picking up their jackets and seeing daylight through it – ‘Which fucker did that?’ These are awards, c’mooon. Why do you people go so mad? Because none of the people who’ve won are even here! You know you haven’t won, get bitter, it’s alright, shout out ‘Twat’.

Right, the winner is – they did, they booked me, knowing I’d do this! They do it! No, don’t look at me awkward, you don’t have to be awkward for me! I know where I am, I know where my career is, Channel 4 welcomed me with open arms, but no, I tried to embrace film and it hugged me like an auntie with a penis. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner tonight is – and this film is shit – he’d admit it himself. He’s obviously trying to look like he’s one o’you so he’s hanging out with gypsies. It’s Mr Johnny Depp.

Best Actor: Johnny Depp
Old man in a chair, holding dog: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Johnny Depp, cuz a few of you don’t know me. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the Embassy people for this beautiful Empire award. We’ll do it later and do it correctly. And uh, we’ll look for many more…

Johnny Depp: Uh-huh, that’s good, you’re fine, go on, get out of here. (Man hands over dog, Depp sits down, complete with pirate ‘tache and bandana) Oh boy. Yeah hi, just wanted to thank you for this award. Yeah. Honoured, certainly, touched, be touched again very soon and er, yeah. I think it’s absolutely mad that you gave it to me but anyway, I appreciate it. I like a hand-out so cheers, thanks very much.

Johnny Vegas: You didn’t believe me did you? You thought I was just being bitter. That was genuinely rubbish wan’it? From a man who can create such characters as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, what the fuck was that? And the handing over of the dog, I watched that 42 times going ‘There’s a hidden message’ no! It’s just someone handing a dog to someone on a fucking plastic chair and going ‘Thank you’. He’s not in touch anymore, but when I see him, I swear to god I’m gonna punch him. And just go, ‘Don’t you ever put me in that kind of awkward situation again. If Tony Curtis is out there, it went a bit better a few years ago, and Dustin Hoffman got me up and it really fucking helped my career. I know it’s about your lifetime achievement, but I really would like being fucking involved with photographs wi’yer at some point. Or just in your speech, anything you…I know, I have to go.

Bill Bailey: Johnny, your parole officer’s here.

JV: Why d’you book me when you know this is going to happen? It’s not about low budget, I just like films, it’s different, you get your tea made for you and shit like that. Cars take you to work, I’m no good on trains, I make people nervous. Fuck ‘em Bill. (Exit, vast, relieved applause).

BB: Fuck you! He needs work!

JV: (emotionally) You gave me the taste for croissants.