This amuses me lots. Then again, I have just spent the best part of half an hour looking at how many people have my friends names. Annoyingly, most of them are unique. I think I need more icecream...

"Find out if your an age billionaire. We invested 45p and hired the brain power of 7 ex tea bag monkeys to figure out how how old you are in days, hours, minutes and seconds.

This is vital to the survival of the human race. Why? Because we don't enjoy ourselves enough. These complex monkey based calculations now give you at least an extra couple of birthdays a year. Never mind your 30th birthday, how about 'today I was a billion seconds old'. Now that's much more spectacular although if someone offered to give you the dumps I'd avoid it.

We'll also tell you how many days there are until your birthday so you can bombard friends and family with daily update emails to make sure they are quite aware of your alcohol and gift demands. All you need to do is register and all this information will be available when you log in for your constant amusement and horror.

Click me to Register

No monkeys where harmed in the making of these web pages"

And, as I always thought, there is only ONE person like my grandma.

Like all the best website,. poiintless but utterly addictive: yourenotme.com tells you how many people there are in the UK with your name. And that's almost it. "There are 290 People with the name Katherine Brown. You are like a rare bird, Lost and pecking at nuts."

Damn. My work exp editor Eric has left the Gazette and moved to Germany where his fiancee works. This is mightily annoying both cos Eric was very cool and also because he was going to give me lots of interviews to do. Blast. I am going to get an icecream and wonder how the world can even stand without falling over.

Thanks to BBCi again for this handy guide of when you can speed. "Diarrhoea is a good example of what a court might accept as a special reason for speeding, though not if you were going at 110mph."

Today's "aren't children sweet" newsbit: Police in Florence detain a 7 year old Sheffield boy for chucking terracotta off the Duomo. Silly fool.

hurray they're making a Garfield film! Boo, it's going to be CGI. Worse news is that Avril Lavigne's had Skater Boy (spell damn you idiot child) optioned into a film. Er, right. Hmmmm.

Does Skin suit hair? Hmmm, not sure. Check out here.

I managed to pass an entire weekend in Vienna without culturising (is it a word? Who cares) at all - yes! I saw everyhting from the outside on the trams, trees, parks, buses, u-bahn, schwarzfahring all the way which was bad in a twelve year old sort of way. Ha! The cathedral is stunning though, if only for the windows at each end which are just staggeringly gorgeous - in a way I'm glad we bypassed all the museums and going in to pay extortionate fees because now the predominant image in my head is of those two windows and the paintings at one end. Vienna's parks are lovely too, filled with students "revising" and playing with hacky sacks and stuff. We did end up on the Eurovision Song Contest though which was bizarre - we met some people at the town hall to find shed loads of drag queens and people in crazy costumes going in to the Lifeball. We went in to find it was the "Hallo Vienna! Hallo Europe" point so we looked slightly perplexed before going full on weirded out when a Pet Shop Boy came out and spoke about the Elton john Aids Trust which the Life Ball is in aid of, then bloody Elton himself turned up and sang a song. How very english!

Wow, spam get original! It sounds like someone that knows me, involves someone called Mike and gives me a cool link instead of Saddam playing cards or photos of singles in my area. afireinside has articles on anythign and everything from Clark's Magic shoes (damn you if you got a pair) to Google porn searches and intelligent bitchery about Evanescence. Cool.

Greetings from Horn (god bless the austrians for having such ludicrous city names.) Cat and I drove here from Vienna yesterday in her new car - sqeaks and a dislike of first gear are rendered unimportant by the sheer SIZE of the bass. Mmmmm.... rush hour traffic was not the best time to leave - it took two hours to get of the bastard city but the drive was beautiful and more amusing town names. And the bass of course - again, mmmm. Sara´s house is fucking huge, our jaws scraping along the floor, we were shown various gadgets, enormous wardrobes and an obsessional towel collection. Creepy. Also the biggest tv I have ever seen - goddammit I want to be obscenely rich! Taking the kiddies out for a jaunt in the car, various children piled in on laps and all will be fine. Just don´t tell the insurance company. red tape in Austria might be a fuckload worse than in Frnace. Sheesh.

Oops again,but amusing - DVD mix-uip has kids watching The Exorcist. "According to The Sun, Jessica managed to watch five minutes of satanic possession before she told her father, 'It's scaring me.' As the idle chap was sat in the bath, he sent Jessica's 11-year-old sister in to sit with her before she came to him saying that the film definitely wasn't Harry Potter." Indeed!

A Texan racing driver is suing Simon Cowell over the rights to the American Idol format claiming he came up with it first and is seeking 300 million dollars in damages. Slight problem with this being he wasn't aware there was a British version first. Dumbass!

According to high times, my stoner name is Vulgar Cougher. I thought it was "I can't roll, don't make me."

Useful info from popbitch: Five people were injured by a crazed badger in Worcestershire this week. One of them ended up needing skin grafts. Oops.

Ow. Ow ow. Owowowowowowowowow. My legs resemble a boiled ham and a big lump of coconut ice. So attractive, and sooooo painful. Finished Stupid White Men last night - if you haven't read it already then stop what you're doing and go out and read it. I'm going to be an MP when I grow up - I have never been so outraged in my entire life. Read a bonus chapter here.

And once again, i hit my head against a brick wall as half an article vanishes mysteriously into cyberspace.

So much for a gentle flush. In the hour I've been sitting here, my shoulders have started twingeing painfully and are violently red. Erm, oops?

Junk mail's getting a lot more random than the usual penis enlargement adverts - I have been selected to win 1000 dollars worth of groceries. Erm, yay?

Weddings are a lot more fun than I remembered. England is a lot more cold and wet than I wanted it to be. Oh well, it's about 30 degrees back in Siena, I've had an icecream, I've got burnt shoulders and I'm going to a festival in Bologna if all goes according to plan. The joys of Italy...

I love champagne. I love it so much i have drunk about five bottles this afternoon. Brilliant! Have to be up at five to get a plane tomorrow. Can't i just stay in England? Boo! By the wya, X2 will fulfill every single geeky comic book wish you ever had about an X-men film. Bloody brilliant. I almost did something bad so god was this film. Aaaaaghhhhh, want to see it again...

You get brilliant tat for doing airport surveys - I got a money detector! According to the packaging it's "the newest product in the new century, the smallest and novelties mini detector". Noveltiest eh?more worrying still "if it is realy money you can see the shining lines"!. probably from fainting at the idea of possessing real honest to god cash.

Tim, your computer is shit.

Bollocks, why does channel 5 get all the good shows (well, er, one anyway) when nobody can pick the bloody station up? Why hasnt it been struck off yet?

Off home tomorrow for a wedding and the weekend - have big plans involving Buffy, soaps and a bloody huge bar of Dairy Milk. Yesssss!

Mmmmm...I want to see the new Matrix film NOW. In English. No more bad dubbing and aged voice over artists thank you. I saw Bowling for Columbine in Italian the other day which was a joke - they still had parts of the original script underneath so i went cross-eared trying to listen to both at the same time. What the hells' wrong with subtitles anyway?

A while ago my friend Ol did a search on the net to see which terms brought him to his site. Clearly he forgot how many ol, oliver and oliwoods there are, harry potter aside:

"OLIWOOD is the best purveyor of classical music CD's, sheet music, and conducting education."
"Oliwood Holiday Home Great holiday accomodation in exciting, scenic and historical Crowsnest Pass,
Alberta!"
"The following communities are also interested in "oliver wood"". (dont want to know where that turned up)
We also have Oliver Wood to blame for Pluto nash and I-Spy. Boo sir, you know no shame.

next week on searching your friends names for no particuliar reason...^failure##brainmelting...^

Ooh! Gaines is on the net! Check out the uber sexy Samaritans photo competition site, then go to the winners gallery, click on 19-24 age group then commended. Sara's lying on a very blue floor looking beautiful and only slightly stoned. Nice one Sara's brother!

Sigh. For three, breathtaking seconds the words "Linkin Park pulls out of UK festival" had me thinking it was Reading. Chance would be a fine thing. As if you needed any more convincing what a bunch of bumbling twats they are, their new release will be called "Party Sniffing". On the count of three, start banging your head against the wall...

"Do your children respect the hours of hard work that you invest in them? No! Children exploit their parents in much the same way that McDonalds corporation exploits the poor and weak people of Canada's rainforests. It's time to take matters into your own hands and force the little bastards to behave properly. The time for calm exhortations and promises of extra cartoon time is over. Use our stencils to decorate your neighborhood with messages that will make your kids behave and stop treating the place like a goddamned amusement park.
It's for their own good.

Warning: Police may confuse your activities with illegal grafitti vandalism"

Bloody brilliant! Guerilla Parenting

This is such a good site, especially if you're fascinated with them to the point of your mum giving up on your growing out of it. Hurray!



Sharkattacks.com

This is the last one. Form now on I'm sticking to virtual pigeon shooting.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I have a feeling I'm getting addicted to doing tests. Is this wrong? Or have I just got too much time on my hands? Sod it, lets do another one...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Goody I'm evil! Hands up all who's surprised...

Oh joy. My teacher told us today that contradas will be waking me nice and early every single Sunday until the Palio, or until I leave. Apparently a lot of people outside the centre pay up to be a part of the action, hence military medieval wake up calls at obscene hours of the morning. Here's to getting the hell away for the next two weekends >:(

Oh yeah, if anyone can find anything nice for me to do for a day in Vienna that would be good. The tourist sites are incredibly earnest and everything sounds expensive. Boo to expensive tourism.

And yeah, I know it's summer (well for me anyway hehehe) but dammit, I want a snowball fight.

hehehe. are you pregnant? I'm dropping a beautiful baby girl any moment now - joy. More amusing than the actual test is the fact the guy who runs it gets tearful emails from people about their "pregnancy." Yeah kids, technology's just not that advanced...

One of the joys of living in Italy is the amount of culture you soak up. This morning for example, I was rudely awoken at 9am by a whole boatload of the stuff going past my bedroom window. Even living a good twenty minutes from the centre of town is no protection from the contradas eager to drum up enthusiasm or lurid oaths at the very least in preparation for the Palio. The Palio being two months away. Someone should tell the bastards they really started early this year. Not even the sight of grown men in medieval tights could do anything to raise a smile on my incredibly bleary face - been there, done that, got all the pictures last week. Fair enough if they were being quietly medieval, but I meant "drum up" in the most darkly unfunny punning way possible. Tambours and big fat sticks and unified rhythm are not what I want on a Sunday morning and next week they'd do well to remember that. oh! Ha! Next week I won't be there, nor the weekend after! God bless the god of travel.

Breathe. The joys of speaking to a world that doesn't consist solely of failed publishing and the finer points of FTP. If anyone wants to teahc me sometime that'd be great. (yeah right...)