Friday, March 16, 2007

An email! From a celebrity!

Hey Kat

Thank you for your support throughout my time here in the UK.
If you can, please join me on Sunday night at the Shepherds Bush Empire, London, for the final performance of the tour, including aftershow party.

Doors 7pm, i'll be on stage at 8:45pm
Please RSVP **@**.**

All the best
Steven Seagal

Steven Seagal knows my name! Or at least a PR has managed to give that impression through the magic of mail merge! This should be outstanding.

The man is, of course, mad. I was going to interview him last year (on Boxing Day for some ridiculous reason) so a friend who'd also interviewed him sent over these extra treat facts gleaned from the interview with the suavely fruitlooped one:

— He once encountered a mystical white dog that spoke to him in English and told him his dojo was on fire. He never saw the dog again.

— His favourite film is Regarding Henry.

— He also loves Ringu and other "Chinese" ghost stories

— He owns many pets, including a llama, several cows, Rottweilers and cats. He doesn't have to keep the dogs and the cats separate, as they are all friends.

— The last film he saw was the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. He liked it but had a problem with the lighting.

— He rewrote all of Tommy Lee Jones' dialogue for Under Siege.

Good times.

On another email tip, I am currently locked in battle with some man called Daniel Miller about a preview I wrote for about 300 at the Imax. I loved 300. The big screen version is incredible, really beautiful and spectacularly well choreographed. I didn't find it particularly gay, or particularly hot, just fascinating. The people I was with thought it was the gayest thing they'd seen in months, so I put this into the preview.

Now, despite not apparently having seen the film, according to DM 300 is a "racist, fascist, chauvinist film" and I am a "glib propogandist" for saying otherwise. Bollocks. If I were any form of propogandist I would smoke a cigar and have posters with me pointing my finger angrily at conscientious objectors.

(EDIT: This no doubt mature and in no way poorly endowed specimen of a man has now posted our entire email exchange on his website. Is it just me, or is that really rather rude? While it's quite exciting to be subject to a smear campaign, I do rather wish it had been done by someone capable of using English and not making it cry in the process.)

Three emails later, he urges me to read reviews before I make my mind up (because seeing a film with your own eyes counts for so much less) before finishing with this magnificent line: "In the meantime you are cheerleading fascism, and as such making yourself a friend of the fascism which is presently engulfing our planet. I leave it you to consider whether or not you think that this is a role that you are happy to play."

I pointed out that no, actually being called a fascist made me rather cross, but this got no reply. I asked him three times if he'd seen the film which he's totally failed to answer - I mean god, if you're going to argue about the content of a film, at least watch the bloody thing before clambering up onto your giant high horse.

So then, facts to beware of. If you like 300, you are little better than the Mosleys because while you might think it's about a story that came to life as pottery decoration it's really about how the West is so much better than the East (and how English is the only acceptable accent for anything to do with Ancient Rome/Greek heroes) and that being portrayed as straight is infinitely better than being portrayed as gay (dear lord, Spartacus anyone?) Also, READ REVIEWS. Because they are the law. Pitchfork will be thrilled, Jet probably less so.

Interesting debate on the Guardian about same.

In other news, I went to Slough this morning for a job interview. It is very annoying to get to at 7am, and its Debenhams has the worse underwear department I've ever seen. It was sunny though and I got to do some grammar tests, so it wasn't a total loss, although after my second interview I noticed that my frothy coffee thing had left chocolate powder all the way up the left side of my mouth so I looked like a grubby toddler rather than an efficient and desirable employee entirely deserving of a significant pay increase. Damn.

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