And then there was Nick, a quiet Australian, who came to the Highlands to get away from a koala hospital in Queensland. A koala hospital? "Yup." Did you get lots of patients? "Hundreds." What dop they suffer from mostly? "Chlamydia." You're joking? How do they get it? "From people." Oh my God. Australians will do anything. "No, they have a dormant virus that's brought on by stress, which is caused by contact with people." How do you treat it? "We put them down." No? "You can't give koalas antibiotics. Their digestions are too delicate. I guess there won't be any koalas in Queensland in five years." Wiped out by a sexually transmitted disease caught by simply looking at Australians. Isn't God weird? "Yup."

Extract from AA Gill's latest food critique in the Sunday Times Style section. This is why the man is a genius.