Dannii Minogue 'invents new dance' as she tries to alert crowd to sinking boat. Dumb ass english tweenagers.

New favourite hobby - approximate poker. Half the rules and fuzzy headedness, also known as International Sketching Poker. Awesome!

Ho-hum. Day 3 in the Geneva holiday household and now only Cesco and Kenya are still virulently ill with horrible bacterial plague. Poor ducks, it's a real horror as they were and still are really ill and probably won't get better til Monday. Boo to virulent bacterial plague and yay to life-improving antibiotics. Jon has now been cleared as the cause of this illness, Paleo killed them all.

Planets around your wrist. "At the date and time of your birth or other special time, the Sun, Moon and planets described a pattern in the sky. The Planetary Bracelet freezes that pattern, with each of the planetary bodies represented by a different gemstone (amber, amethyst, lapis lazuli ..). Makes a great present." HINT hint hint... Courtesy, as ever of popbitch and her great classifieds.

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ha ha ha, libraries are cute

Remember dear Billy from Neighbours? Rather than taking the traditional post-Ramsay Street track of minimal clothing and decamping to the UK, he's wearing clothes and er, heading for the BBC for a PD James adaption. Yum!

Forget the various guises of hot or not (turds? Kittens? I ask you...) the latest rating crapness to push our addiction buttons is rating potential baywatch lifeguards. *huh*, I could do that too. If I actually liked peroxide and the gym.

Been a bad kitten? No worries, they can't hate you anymore than if you're fool enough to actually send them this!

Fucking godawful poetry. When will people do something decent with my name, seeing as I am clearly destined to a life of drudgery and coconuts? " Words of A Broken Heart"

(NB: goddawful poetry removed as it was giving me a headache)

Chicken tied to helium balloons up for adoption. Another KAt Brown doing good work. Another one? Anyway, rated by Simon who approves of the "pretty chicken". Doh. Worryingly: "Kat Brown, deputy director of the shelter, said: "This is a great chicken, a friendly
chicken, a chicken that is ready for a relationship."

Clearly, nobody has anything to do in their holidays. Hurray! Better then that I get sent lovely stupid things like this - when office supplies attack

Go to googleand type in Weapons Mass Destruction BUT don't click search, instead press the "I'm feeling lucky" button, and
read carefully.

harry potter is now swinging around London somewhere - this is the problem with being nice at 4am and lending it away. Maybe one of the six million copies lying around at home will fill a gap. Did i mention we're getting a puppy? And who the hell wants to go to Glastonbury anyway? *Uh, I do.*

by the way, if you haven't read harry potter yet, it's bloody good. I need to read it again.

(disclaimer) yes, i realise it probably does.

Damned pedants.

HURRAY!!! I'm in Durham, it isn't raining and my family is getting a puppy. Does life really get better than this?

Courtesy, as ever, of the wonderful popbitch
Samuel L Jackson has been staying in the
Sanderson hotel in London for a month or so.

He's fascinated by British soap operas
"because they contain ugly people, especially
Eastenders. In America, Phil Mitchell
wouldn't get the women he does."

A new and somewhat sophisticated form of spam is flying into my inbox. I haven't had a penis enlargement email for about a week now, instead it's all virus warnings, depression solutions and, bizarrely, spam software spam. Redundant no?

My god, how hot does it have to be before we explode into a puddle of flesh and sweat? 8.30 this morning and I am crawling to class in a mist of my own overheating. Our dearly beloved landlady switched our heating onto full as well - is she sane? Who cares? I'm finally leaving Siena on Saturday having been here for about two minutes - can I fit the Campo in my suitcase? Sadly no. England should build one and generally have nice people in it.

Bloody hell! Song of my childhood, Mr Vain by Culture Beat (don't laugh) has been re-released - happily not in the UK. Altogether now, call him mr raider, call him mr wrong...

how dodgy are you? I am due Years in prison: 8 Potential fine: £7000 Plus a possibility of the death penalty. Bizarre crime examples: "In the UK, it is still illegal to eat mince pies on Christmas Day." "Placing a postage stamp that bears the Queen (or King) upside down is considered treason in the UK." The one about the boy and the shop dummy is weirder - fuck hte States, lookcloser to home!

Mmmm....Sunday! Beach,sun,frisbee, volleyball,swimming and biscuits. My feet and ears are burnt, otherwise high power suncream saved me from more embarrassment. Lots of distressingly svelte/fat (one extreme or other - why never a middle?) topless women and even more distressing,ageing lotharios in speedos. SPEEDOS ARE WRONG! Still just as wrong but more amusing is fuck socks which takes the Chilli Peppers famous piss take to extremes of farness hitherto unreached.

This amuses me lots. Then again, I have just spent the best part of half an hour looking at how many people have my friends names. Annoyingly, most of them are unique. I think I need more icecream...

"Find out if your an age billionaire. We invested 45p and hired the brain power of 7 ex tea bag monkeys to figure out how how old you are in days, hours, minutes and seconds.

This is vital to the survival of the human race. Why? Because we don't enjoy ourselves enough. These complex monkey based calculations now give you at least an extra couple of birthdays a year. Never mind your 30th birthday, how about 'today I was a billion seconds old'. Now that's much more spectacular although if someone offered to give you the dumps I'd avoid it.

We'll also tell you how many days there are until your birthday so you can bombard friends and family with daily update emails to make sure they are quite aware of your alcohol and gift demands. All you need to do is register and all this information will be available when you log in for your constant amusement and horror.

Click me to Register

No monkeys where harmed in the making of these web pages"

And, as I always thought, there is only ONE person like my grandma.

Like all the best website,. poiintless but utterly addictive: yourenotme.com tells you how many people there are in the UK with your name. And that's almost it. "There are 290 People with the name Katherine Brown. You are like a rare bird, Lost and pecking at nuts."

Damn. My work exp editor Eric has left the Gazette and moved to Germany where his fiancee works. This is mightily annoying both cos Eric was very cool and also because he was going to give me lots of interviews to do. Blast. I am going to get an icecream and wonder how the world can even stand without falling over.

Thanks to BBCi again for this handy guide of when you can speed. "Diarrhoea is a good example of what a court might accept as a special reason for speeding, though not if you were going at 110mph."

Today's "aren't children sweet" newsbit: Police in Florence detain a 7 year old Sheffield boy for chucking terracotta off the Duomo. Silly fool.

hurray they're making a Garfield film! Boo, it's going to be CGI. Worse news is that Avril Lavigne's had Skater Boy (spell damn you idiot child) optioned into a film. Er, right. Hmmmm.

Does Skin suit hair? Hmmm, not sure. Check out here.

I managed to pass an entire weekend in Vienna without culturising (is it a word? Who cares) at all - yes! I saw everyhting from the outside on the trams, trees, parks, buses, u-bahn, schwarzfahring all the way which was bad in a twelve year old sort of way. Ha! The cathedral is stunning though, if only for the windows at each end which are just staggeringly gorgeous - in a way I'm glad we bypassed all the museums and going in to pay extortionate fees because now the predominant image in my head is of those two windows and the paintings at one end. Vienna's parks are lovely too, filled with students "revising" and playing with hacky sacks and stuff. We did end up on the Eurovision Song Contest though which was bizarre - we met some people at the town hall to find shed loads of drag queens and people in crazy costumes going in to the Lifeball. We went in to find it was the "Hallo Vienna! Hallo Europe" point so we looked slightly perplexed before going full on weirded out when a Pet Shop Boy came out and spoke about the Elton john Aids Trust which the Life Ball is in aid of, then bloody Elton himself turned up and sang a song. How very english!