"Hilarity ensues, with songs"

For reasons that should be very clear to anyone who has even seen a Julia Stiles film, I should like sarcastic-and-wonderful Julia Stiles to play me in the film of my life.

I'm not entirely sure how this film would go, since I have reached the age of 25 without a) developing drug problems b) falling in love with inappropriate boxers c) earning the stalkeringtitude of millions. An Empire workie once asked me for my autograph, but he was mad so I don't think that really counts. I give it an optimistic 15 years before I have achieved sufficient notoriety for it to be worth Julia Stiles dropping everything and becoming me.

Anyway, the similarly divine Kim Newman, presumably bored out of his mind with Christmas parties/updating his Facebook status, has written a pitch for just such a film. I love the idea of having James Marsden almost as much as the toy pig my dad and I picked up in Help The Aged this morning. More on that story another time.

"Okay, so here's my pitch for Kiss Me Kat - the Shakespeare-based Julia Stiles musical version of your life ...

... because 'sarcastic and wonderful' film critic Kat (Julia) always gives mercilessly amusing one-star reviews to wet romantic comedies, Hollywood is on the point of bankruptcy - Richard Curtis has shot himself, Cameron Diaz and Renee Zellweger are having to work as office cleaners, Richard Gere has to make films in which he sleeps with women his own age and Hugh Grant is back on Sunset Blvd on the other side of soliciting charges. Pat Ruccio (James Marsden), an exec who has been counting on a box office returns from a new especially soppy romantic comedy to keep the studio out of bankruptcy, accepts a bet that he can - within one week - convince Kat to give Bubblehead Wins Handsome Zillionaire a five-star lead review with suitably gushing pull quotes for the posters ... hilarity ensues, with songs."